I was told there'd be cake, Sloane Crosley

“I was told there’d be cake”

Sloane Crosley.. we had such high hopes for you.

reading your pony story in radar, it seemed that reading your book was an awesome idea. if something makes you smile that much and it is only a single chapter from a book.. the rest MUST be excellent… right?

no. couldn’t have been more wrong.

when this book was first purchased, i was very pleased to read the pony story again. i imagined with horror the looks your family would give, when stumbling across your plastic pony corral in the kitchen drawer.

chapter 2 and three were some of the most unappealing collections of vowels and consonants i have read in ages. frankly, your book bored me so much, that after three chapters, i put it down and decided to forget about it, altogether.

something like a year has gone past. i felt a bit bad for you. on a sad and pathetic whim, i said “give sloane another chance.. she did make you laugh once.. perhaps she could do it again” i have been wrong in the past. i have read part of a book, been bored, picked it back up and had a better experience with a different mind set.

this was not the case with “i was told there’d be cake”. every single chapter was filled with bland anecdotes and sprawling in-effective prose. each story waddles back and forth like a drunken semi-retarded penguin, straying from topic to topic in a shoot from the hip manner.. but with a drunken semi-retarded penguin instead of a cowboy.. heh.. waddle… you are left staring at the pages wishing you had SOMETHING else to do. it took me two weeks to drag my ass through this book, opting to talk to strangers on public transit in an effort to distract myself..

this book is “too shy” by kajagoogoo.. the first chapter is sloane’s “one hit wonder”. everything else in between front and back cover is nothing but filler, hoping beyond hope to become a cult hit or the elusive and desired “deep cut”..

in my view, you failed.

what you did well? you market things.. you book was pushed in a phenomenal manner. marketing is definitely your thing.. i have heard so many people talking about their interest in your collection of essays. unfortunately, none of them had read it before spouting off about it.

the thing i regret the most is the awful feeling i get when people i know are found with this in their hands and the disappointed look in their eyes.

leave the writing to the monkeys who are recreating Shakespeare on typewriters