A Clash of Kings (George R.R. Martin)

Song of Ice and Fire – A Clash of Kings-

A couple months back someone turned me on to George R.R. Martin’s Song of Fire and Ice series. I recently finished reading book 2 of 4 (with seven total expected in the series).

In a nutshell- Everyone you hope the best for will be violated. Everyone you hope will live is not safe from death, no matter how attached you are as a reader. There is no good nor evil; only survivor, conqueror, and dead. It may not happen in this book, but it will happen. I can see it looming on the horizon… they will all die horrifically.

I cannot discuss this book as any discussion will spoil plot.

Just let it suffice that I “loved it long time”.

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Instead, imagine that George R.R. Martin (GRRM) takes William Goldman’s “The Princess Bride” (TPB) out on a fancy date.

GRRM picks TPB up in a nice car and say ‘Hey babe, ready for a fun night?’ to which TPB would reply ‘yes m’lord, let us be off (giggle giggle)’. They drive off into the glittering lights of downtown big city with some smooth jazz sub-consciously milking their love muscles. Dressed in evening finery, they taunt each other in a delightful manner, each knows the other has bad intentions, but there is love harbored here, there must be love here, they have told each other as much so it must be true….

Halfway into town, George R.R. Martin slips the The Princess Bride some wine in a pretty silver goblet. TPB drinks it up, flipping the bird towards open container laws, this is supposed to be a fun date after all. The wine seeps into the pages of TPB and the sneakily infused Rohypnol begins to distort reality. GRRM laughs maniacally about ‘the Disney-fication of the fantasy genre’ and the ‘death of a fairytale’ as he tears rubber through the streets . TPB hears all this through the fast acting drug haze that envelopes it’s universe. Martin helps a drugged and incoherent TPB into something more comfortable: a leather corset, some ass-less fishnets, and a clown nose. He sends TPB on it’s way with a swift kick from a moving car. TPB sails from the vehicle, GRRM takes a second pass around the block to laugh and whips out of China Town, tossing a sword and a 12 mint package of winter-fresh lifesavers out the window on his gratuitously mocking third pass.

Scared and afraid, The Princess Bride wanders the streets, asking for assistance, squinting through tear bleary eyes. Someone walks up behind TPB and punches it in the kidney, laughing and pointing as TPB begs for mercy and assistance. An old woman walks up to TPB and states the obviousness of it’s poor choice of garb and local sightseeing locations. She munches on a piece of stale bread and calls TPB the queen of slime, putrescence, and filth. She licks the salty nectar from TPB’s cover pages and smiles with joy.

The Princess Bride forgets all about ‘true love’, screaming with a blood fury, and stands to fight back, it’s wit and humor soured by the building confusion of the situation and the looming drug headache. There is no fire swamp here, there are no bizarrely cute giant Muppet rodents, no miracle pill to restore life to the ‘mostly dead’. There are no convenient plot holes to exploit. TPB is stranded in a harsh world with it’s ass hanging out and far too many dark alleys to traverse and a lot of dirty cocks to fight off..

TPB picks up its sword. It eats a breath mint and starts furiously walking, shoulders back and strangely/confusingly proud.

In the comfort of a high priced bar down the street, Martin sits and watches as TPB makes the local news as the center of a drug fueled bloodbath. The news covers all of the gore in high definition 5.1 dolby surround sound. He watches as TPB guts a homeless man for no reason, just because the vagrant is in it’s way of crossing the road. TPB carves it’s name on the doors of building it passes and pisses on the car tires of cars as it goes. TPB swears and cries and strips the clothes of a dead man to wear as a disguise, the law is coming with sirens blaring.. It joins forces with a group of outcasts and rips through Chinatown in a frenzy of hatred, pain, panic, and ‘end of the road nowhere to go but death’ logic.

TPB determines that checking the phone book for GRRM’s home address is a solid next move. TPB is going to kill Martin’s dog and burn down his house. It doesn't matter that the dog did nothing wrong, nor that the house is still being paid for. Neither thing slighted TPB in any way. The fact that they exists is all that matters. Killing the dog is the best way to get revenge for this failed date-night. TPB will cross any expanse to slaughter the puppy and feel avenged with the burning of Martin’s home.

Winter is coming, It will burn the house. Warming itself on the flaming rubble is both satisfactory and convenient. The puppy will make a fine pair of pants shorts to cover the ass-less stockings. Waste not want not..

When finished, TPB will be unrecognizable, covered in gore, and will refuse to apologize for it’s actions. But it’s breath will be minty fresh and you will still love it, even if it appears to be a dirty dirty dirty murderous whore…

• Pages: 768
• Publisher: Bantam (1999)
• ISBN-10: 0553108034
• ISBN-13: 978-0553108033

For reference - I do not personally believe that GRRM uses date rape drugs on classic books in order to incite simplistic mayhem… but I could be wrong…