just thoughts in my head needing to come out

 i find the idea of friends only posts or private posts confusing and backwards. i dont know that i will keep this post up (or for how long)... chances are i wont.. 

this entry is mainly for myself, there are no links or funny jokes in here, in fact, its fairly depressing so dont click the cut if you dont want it.

Collapse

Many of my friends are aware that my mom is going through some issues with the big C. She flat out isnt going to get better and is just taking it day by day until she will eventually succumb to it. Recently, she started having more issues with her lungs. They were filling up with fluid and needed to be emptied fairly often. the doctors, in an attempt to help her did some fairly twisted stuff that appears to have a positive effect and will hopefully make her more comfortable for a while. They keep saying that she is having a "good day" but when i talk to her, i dont hear the good.. this isnt cynicism.. it is the reality of hearing someone you love holding on and living, even though you cannot understand a word she is saying because breathing and speaking is difficult while she "recovers" from her last version of the illness. 

some people, like rik, i have been holding off on telling how bad it has gotten.. mainly because i have a hard time discussing it. i have to say though... i dont know what i am going to do when she is gone.. i think i will crack for a while. 

when my dad told me the last set of news, i was in a store getting money orders. i was so worried and sick that i forgot my atm pin number.. it seems silly.. but it was a sign of lost composure. my mind went completely blank and i could not think, i just looked around wildly thinking "this is it"..... im glad i was wrong.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Interview: Q&A with Khaled Talib, 'Gun Kiss' author

Image
I recently had the opportunity to interview Crime/Thriller author Khaled Talib. He allowed me a few minutes of his time to pick his brain about both his upcoming Thriller Gun Kiss as well as to ask him about the writing and publishing process in general. I was pleased to get some insight into his upcoming novel and dig deeper into what makes Khaled tick. We also learned about some launch week giveaways and events that will be happening, so scroll to the end for details on how to participate and enter contest The launch window leading up to a book release is crunch time for many last minute details. I am grateful for the late night responses it likely took in order to answer my questions! Slated for release on 12/01/2017 Synopsis of Gun Kiss : When the Deringer pistol that shot Abraham Lincoln is stolen and ends up in the hands of a Russian military general, covert agent Blake Deco is tasked by the FBI to head to the Balkans to recover the historical weapon. Meanwhile, the ...
Read more

Blood and Tacos - Penetrator ManKill and others kick ass content

Image
Blood and Tacos issue 1 is pretty awesome folks. You can read it for free at  bloodandtacos.com Alternately, if you want a copy you can save and keep forever and ever, it is for sale on Amazon for a whole dollar. $0.99 cents of glory. In a nutshell, it has a series of short stories that are written to appear as if they were long lost relics of the manly man era of pulp fiction. You know the time frame… we are talking chest hair, mullets, cheesy one liners, blood, fist fighting. All the things that make a Charles Bronson film awesome and the Joe Don Baker movie “Mitchell” so damn terrible (awesome). Current issue includes work by Gary Phillips, Matthew C. Funk (what a name), Johnny Shaw, and lots of other awesome authors.. Each story is written as if the author “Found it” in an archive. Check the About page of the site for more details. There are no unicorns here, unless they are fighting against a grizzly. The men don\’t cuddly, they fight fuck then flee, leaving b...
Read more

Happy Policeman (Patricia Anthony)

Image
Back in the summer of 2010, I decided to see about curbing my book spending, and instead work on reading books already on my shelves. This was an obvious failure, when I was on the Powells Books website and found a bargain Sci-fi bin of books for about a dollar. I bought seventeen books and have been slowly working my way through them. Patricia Anthony’s ‘The Happy Policeman’ was in that pile of books. I am not sure how this ended up in the dollar bin. Turns out, this book was incredible, worth far more than the dollar I paid for it. I bought it sight unseen, had no idea what the novel was about, but the cover art painted by Mark Smollin caught my attention, the title was unusual and the book became mine. THIS BOOK WAS NOT ACTUAL SCI-FI. Do not auto-ignore this book if you are a genre snob, you may be missing out. Likewise, do not pick this book up thinking it will be handed to you on a platter, Patricia Anthony did a great job in obfuscating the end game and (as in my cas...
Read more